I never knew it's going to be this hard. Thinking that daddy will be leaving hurts so much. How much more if he's actually gone? Now I understand those teens who's parents are going abroad for work. It feels like a part of you is missing. You feel incomplete. You feel asdfghjklqwerty! get it?
I'm trying to be tough. I can't just fall apart. I have to hide every trace of sadness. I have the need to be strong for us who'll be left behind. But inside? I'm just dying. I'm dying to beg him to just please don't go. But I know that's too childish. 'cause I completely understand why did he have to leave.
It's for us.
So we celebrated this mass at 4pm, with Fr. ----- (a family friend). I was really touched 'cause my parents just seem to be so special to him that he didn't mind if he had to celebrate the mass at our house. It fed our hungry souls with God's blessings. And when the Ama Namin was prayed ( Ama Namin - a prayer/song of giving thanks, asking grace from God, and asking for repentance. Prayed/sang by roman Catholics while everyone had to hold each others hand) dad held my hand, and it felt warm. So lovingly warm that my heart's melting and I had teary eyes. I had to hide those tears from them so again I thought of happy things to keep myself composed. But you know what? that hand never felt that warm to me. Not until that moment. Those hands that picked me up when I fall down, those hands that tried to his guts to fix things, those hands that slapped my butt to discipline me. It felt really bad. I don't want to let go of his hand. I wish time would stop.
I'm not the sweetest daughter, but I love seeing our family together. Laughing, doing funny things, joking around makes me feel that I have the most beautiful treasure of life. I need them to keep me going. I need to see mom cooking food, my little sister raiding my bag for lip gloss, my brother bugging me, and dad scolding me. Those little things make my effin life happier. And knowing dad won't be there to scold me, (owwwww. mom for sure shouts louder, scolds me longer, like for hours?) It's just sad. very sad.
And so I pray God will keep my dad safe abroad and to every loving father abroad. I pray God's gonna be with him through tough times. I pray to God we'll be tougher, tough enough to keep burglars away. I pray God will give us back the good in goodbyes. I pray God will keep our family together. I have a huge faith to you Papa Jesus, and I owe You big time.<3
In the end, I still don't see the GOOD in
P.S. I LOVE YOU DAD,
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