-.-"

     Gusto kitang kausapin. Gusto kong malaman mo lahat ng nararamdaman ko, gusto ko ring linawin yung ilang mga bagay na alam kong malabo para sa'yo. Habang tumatagal kasi dumadami lang lalo yung mga dapat kong sabihin, naiipon kumbaga. lumalabo din lalo yung mga bagay na dapat sana nalinaw na. Napaka swerte ko nga siguro kasi may nagtyaga pag mag mahal sakin. Kasi kung tutuusin hindi ako yung tipo ng babae na malambing, na gugustuhin mo talagang mahalin. Wala sakin yung 90% ng girlfriend material na hinahanap ng mga lalaki.  

      Pero ikaw minahal mo pa din ako, as if na wala nang ibang babaeng makahihigit pa sakin. And I thank you for that. Ikaw pa lang yata yung sobrang naka appreciate sa akin ng ganito. Pero nahihirapan din kasi ako eh, oo mag iisang taon naman na since the last relationship I had, parang hindi pa talaga ko handang pumasok ulit sa relationship. Natatakot akong masaktan ulit, at higit dun mas natatakot akong masaktan kita. Natatakot akong hindi ko mapantayan yung pagmamahal mo. Sobra kasi talaga akong nasaktan. Tina-try ko namang kalimutan na lang lahat e. I'm trying hard to figure out how. Ayoko na din ng ganito, mahirap kasi talaga. Sobra. :| Alam kong naguguluhan ka na sakin. Naguguluhan ka na kung ano pa bang dapat gawin. Ako din gulung gulo na e. Kung pwede sana wag mo na muna kong ligawan, hindi naman ganung kahalaga yun e. Let's stay friends, or kahit kung ano na tayo ngayon.. let's please stay this way. let's not rush things, seventeen's still young naman diba, we havethe rest of our lives for love. Kung may magustuhan ka mang iba, go ahead. Hindi kita pipigilan, basta ba masaya ka eh. I'll accept it whole heartedly.

     Eh bakit dito ko sinasabi, hindi sa'yo? duwag kasi ako. :( yun yung totoo.

Bakit pag sa TV ang saya-saya ng mga Noche Buena? Ba't di ko ramdam?

And so I had my merry li'l Christmas..

       I thought Christmas will screw up. My brother and I had a little fight with mom on Christmas eve. That really made me sad, 'cause it'll be our first Christmas without dad, and the past days were restless. I'm trying hard to keep the Christmas spirit, but things just kept on ruining it.
     
Our little fight:
      Mom's dead tired, 'cause she haven't took a good rest for days and she even finished the laundry. My brother just kept on facing the computer, and seemed not to hear her asking him to hang the clothes up. She got so annoyed and I think her anger was triggered by the fact that dad's not here. And that she missed him. Yogi(our dog) ran out of the house. (he loves doing that). Mom of course got really, really mad. We chased him around the neighborhood, and he nearly got killed by other dogs.My brother got upset, yelled damn hard on me.Of course I ran fast and luckily got yogi. On our way home, mom just kept on scolding us. Yes, US. It sucks 'cause I made a way just to be home before the mass, though we have rehearsals. I'm soooo tired. I even helped my brother hang the clothes. Then she'll just say that it seemed we don't care for her at all? >..< daaaaaaaaaaamn.


      I attended the Christmas eve mass as always. I'm a choir member in our parish and we happen to be the assigned choir to sing for Christmas eve. It's great, and feels good 'cause I know a lot of people in our parish doesn't believe in our singing. and now we have that chance to prove them wrong. well anyway we sing not for their pleasure, but for Jesus'! I came in a bad mood, I kinda faked smiles so they won't have to ask why I have that mood. Had noche buena with friends, and went home. Slept. woke Up. Prepared food..

and the rest were blah blahs.

Moving on is simple, it's what you leave behind that makes it so difficult.

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Masaya sana kung may isang taong alam mong nandyan sa tabi mo kahit anong mangyari.
Yung alam mong hindi ka iiwan. Yung nandyan para damayan ka kapag malungkot ka, tawanan at itama ka sa mga pagkakamali mo. Yung taong alam mong hindi ka pababayaan. Yung 'kayo' o hindi, handang alagaan ka. Yung sisiguraduhing masaya ka sa piling nya.
Ang sarap siguro sa pakiramdam ng ganun, at mas masaya siguro lalo kung ikaw yun.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY KO DAW.

Something's missing. I dunno what exactly that is. But I just don't feel happy now. No I really don't. Today's my day. and I feel absolutely nothing special about it. Gotta Sleep. My class starts in Eight hours. Still have to sleep. Adios! I miss daddy.

THE GOODBYE

 I HATE GOODBYES. I HATE HOW PEOPLE WALK AWAY AND LEAVE YOU.



 I never knew it's going to be this hard. Thinking that daddy will be leaving hurts so much. How much more if he's actually gone? Now I understand those teens who's parents are going abroad for work. It feels like a part of you is missing. You feel incomplete. You feel asdfghjklqwerty! get it?

I'm trying to be tough. I can't just fall apart. I have to hide every trace of sadness. I have the need to be strong for us who'll be left behind. But inside? I'm just dying. I'm dying to beg him to just please don't go. But I know that's too childish. 'cause I completely understand why did he have to leave.

It's for us.

So we celebrated this mass at 4pm, with Fr. ----- (a family friend). I was really touched 'cause my parents just seem to be so special to him that he didn't mind if he had to celebrate the mass at our house. It fed our hungry souls with God's blessings. And when the Ama Namin was prayed ( Ama Namin - a prayer/song of giving thanks, asking grace from God, and asking for repentance. Prayed/sang by roman Catholics while everyone had to hold each others hand) dad held my hand, and it felt warm. So lovingly warm that my heart's melting and I had teary eyes. I had to hide those tears from them so again I thought of happy things to keep myself composed. But you know what? that hand never felt that warm to me. Not until that moment. Those hands that picked me up when I fall down, those hands that tried to his guts to fix things, those hands that slapped my butt to discipline me.  It felt really bad. I don't want to let go of his hand. I wish time would stop.

I'm not the sweetest daughter, but I love seeing our family together. Laughing, doing funny things, joking around makes me feel that I have the most beautiful treasure of life. I need them to keep me going. I need to see mom cooking food, my little sister raiding my bag for lip gloss, my brother bugging me, and dad scolding me. Those little things make my effin life happier. And knowing dad won't be there to scold me, (owwwww. mom for sure shouts louder, scolds me longer, like for hours?) It's just sad. very sad.


And so I pray God will keep my dad safe abroad and to every loving father abroad. I pray God's gonna be with him through tough times. I pray to God we'll be tougher, tough enough to keep burglars away. I pray God will give us back the good in goodbyes. I pray God will keep our family together. I have a huge faith to you Papa Jesus, and I owe You big time.<3


In the end, I still don't see the GOOD in GOODBYE.
P.S. I LOVE YOU DAD,